Teardrops
by K-Shandra
Summary: So How does Ziva really feel about EJ and Tony?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Teardrops

Genre: NCIS

Pairing: Tony and Ziva with some EJ.

Rating: T.

Timeline: 8X16.

Spoilers: Some referred to, vaguely. You will note them if you've watched, if not, they'll go over your head.

A/N: I'm humouring the muse here, before she strikes on Love Bites… Here's a nice tiva vid to go with the song. .com/watch?v=symcPB6AMms&feature=related

Summery: So How does Ziva really feel about EJ and Tony?

Disclaimer: *SIGH* So not mine, If they were - I wouldn't be writing depressing things like this.

Word Count: 1 085 (excl lyrics)

Lyrics: Randomly selected from the song Tear Drops (I think) by Taylor Swift. I don't own that either, but wouldn't mind it's a nice song.

Edited: June 2011

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So I'll drive home alone, as I turn out the light,  
I'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight.  
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,  
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart.  
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do.  
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough, he's all I need to fall into.

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She knows that it shouldn't get to her, but it does. She knows that he's available and that she has no hold on him, but that still does not stop the pain that she's experiencing in the region where her heart should be. She will not cry, she refuses to.

She now knew that he could overlook rule twelve… It may not be advisable to date a co-worker, but somehow she'd come to believe that if they did, they could make it work. They'd been close more than once, and she now had proof that he could cross that line. Maybe she should have pushed harder before. She knew that he at least felt something for her. They know each other, they could read one another… and still he looks elsewhere.

Maybe he was never that attracted to her at all. Maybe the feelings he's always had were akin to those one would have for one's family, for that is what the team was her, family, and he was a substantial part of that. Once upon a time there had been more, she'd been sure of that, but lately he's been more fulfilling the role of big brother that potential lover.

He had not even tried to touch her in Paris. He'd lain next to her all night, whist she was the one hoping, almost expecting his touch, but it never came. Then the following morning he was cheery, like he had enjoyed the evening with her. It had caused her to hope, to hope that her presence alone could do that. That he could be happy with her… Then on their return he put rule twelve between them again, which caused her even greater frustration.

And then Ray walked into her life, another field agent and nomad. He was fun to spend time with, but not someone she could see herself with. That image was exclusively limited to him, Tony, and it had been for some time now. Ray had helped her over a difficult patch. He had been the first after _then_… It had been easier with him, because there had been no pressure or emotional commitment involved. It had been a purely physical act, where she had been in control. After which both of them had realized that more than friends they were unlikely to be.

She had tried to forget about what had happened back _then_. That she may even be considered tainted. Tony had never treated her as such, but she couldn't help wonder if that may not be part of it. How could she be provocative, when she was unwilling to undress where someone could see her? She took comfort in the darkness, when her scars could not be seen. That's why Tony needed to choose her, not give into her. He had to choose to take her the way she was, scarred, and be at peace with it. But Tony was drawn to beautiful women. Provocative women with flawless skin who were physically available and sexually confidant, she was no longer one of those.

EJ was his type. Attractive, tall, she complemented him and they looked good together. Ziva also knew that her body would not be marred with scares, not like hers. She had seen and heard the woman coming onto him. It hurt that he had fallen for her meagre attempts.

EJ was not to be trusted. Not in work and certainly not with Tony's heart. She'd already caused discord within the team. Gibbs did not like her and Ziva's intuition said that she is not to be trusted. She also knew that Tony did not need a woman like her. He was no longer the careless playboy he used to be. Love had touched him and he would in all likelihood seek it again, and Ziva knew intuitively that EJ was not the type of woman who would provide it. She was cold and callous, she had yet to see any real warmth from the woman. She feared that EJ may only be using Tony, and that angered her more than she was willing to admit... Tony was a wonderful person, who appeared shallow on meeting but had more depth than most people gave him credit for. Tony deserved to be loved… He deserved someone who would give him her everything… her love, her heart, her soul even and if needed, her life.

Ziva had promised herself she would be happy for him if he once again found love, even if it wasn't with her. She wanted to see him happy. He deserved it after everything he'd done for the team, and her. But not with EJ, she will crush his spirit. Ziva knew that he would be adversely affected, even by a casual relationship between the two of them. She wanted to do or say something to stop him, but she knew if she were to do that, he would not listen. She would once again have to be there to pick up the pieces, to put him back together and hope he would drop his eyes from the horizon for once, and see that she's been patiently waiting for him.

Ziva playing provocative to draw his attention from EJ was not an option either. She had hoped that by subtlety she could win him over, because Tony enjoyed the chase. He'd chased Jeanne, he'd loved Jeanne, and Ziva was not willing to settle for anything less than his all. He will never know how hard it had been to look at him and to see him so heartbroken after Jeanne. To know that he'd allowed himself to fall in love with her, against his better judgement and his orders. To know that inside that playboy exterior he needed to be loved. Even then the discovery that he'd been on assignment had not in any way eased the pain she had felt, he'd fallen in love, and it hadn't been with her.

Tony could hide little from her. She could read him too well, which had made it even harder when he's asked if she'd ever lied to anyone she loved. To look at him knowing it was him that she'd lied to. That everyday she lied to herself, telling herself that she could be content with things the way they were, that she could live with this. When all she wanted was to love him, and wanted him to love her in return, but she didn't know if he could, or even would anymore.

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	2. Chapter 2

Title: Teardrops Chapter 2

Genre: NCIS

Pairing: Tony and Ziva with some EJ.

Rating: T.

Timeline: Tags 8X20.

Spoilers: Some references made to earlier seasons, vaguely. You will note them if you've watched, if not, they'll go over your head.

Summery: So how does Ziva really feel about EJ and Tony?

Warning: This is Ziva in a really dark place… or so my must thought.

Disclaimer: *SIGH* So not mine, If they were - I wouldn't be writing depressing things like this.

Word Count: 1 082 (excl lyrics)

Lyrics: Randomly selected from the song Tear Drops on my guitar by Taylor Swift. I don't own that either, but wouldn't mind it's a nice song.

Written: April 2011

Published: July 2011

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Drew walks by me, can't he see that I can't breathe,

And there he goes so perfectly, the kind of flawless I wish I could be,

She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love,

Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause,

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Ziva sat on her couch. It had been a hard couple of weeks for her emotionally. She had needed to come to terms with the fact that Tony and EJ were more than work associates, a development that still did not sit too well with her. The thought that he could be happy with her… hurt more than she knew it rightfully should.

He'd only been brotherly towards her since her return to the team, she knew that, had even come to accept it. He had been protective of her when he had learnt of Ray, had shown that he cared enough for her to want her to be happy. But it was hard for her to be happy, when she was incapable of actually letting him go. Everyday it ate at her a little more, irritated her a little more… she had never in the past needed to watch him interact with another woman, one she knew he was seeing in a personal capacity as well, one who got to share intimacies with him that she could only covet.

Wrapping her arms round the pillow she held, she thought back to the time she'd spent with Ray. She had started to seriously doubt her abilities to draw a person to herself for herself only. For some reason, men always seemed to use her when they were on some or another mission. They never disclosed things to her… Even Tony had done that in the past.

She had been so happy when he'd arrived that first night, suspicious of his intent at first… but it soon became the highlight of her week, even though it was just something different to do in the evenings, rather than sitting home alone or finding something to do. They had gotten to know one another then, their partnership had grown, as did her attraction to him. She came to understand him better, enjoyed his company, as undemanding as it had been… and she had missed that when Jeanne had arrived on the scene.

After that, they grew apart, altogether spending less time together outside of the office, with movie nights no longer the norm. Movie nights only re-established themselves after her return from the desert, the first one being at the office, on neutral ground, infringing on neither one's territory. It had been a relief in some way and in others difficult, she at that stage had needed interaction from him on a more personal level, to confirm what he'd said to her whilst tied to a chair in the desert, but neither of them were truly ready.

Since EJ's arrival on the scene, her and Tony's movie nights were no longer in existence, and this evening he had hurt her even more by saying to her that he "understood her". It made her realize that although they were never even in a relationship, she had enjoyed their shared closeness, and that she really had a problem with the other woman coming into his life, possibly taking him from her.

But the woman was not worthy of him. She did not deserve his loyalty. It was difficult to explain, but something about the woman just caused an apprehensiveness within her. In a way she hoped that he was right, that he really did get this one, because she did not see him reacting the way he had with Jeanne, and she knew that Tony had fallen hard for Jeanne, had been hurt by her… and then there was the fact that Tony had not stood behind EJ in the way she would have expected him to, not in the way she would have liked him to, had he been as taken by her. Tony had stuck to her side when things had gotten heated in the bullpen, he'd stuck to his partner, not his lover, and that had confused her even more. She couldn't help but be put off by the woman. She did not bring out the best in Tony, she only caused him to behave immaturely, unlike the man she had seen him become. She was changing him, bringing out a side of him that Ziva had thought he'd long since outgrown.

Breathing a deep sigh she pulled the pillow closer, knowing that he could possibly be with her at the moment. The thought alone was enough to drive her breath from her and cause a vicelike grip to settle around her heart, which caused her to question if she'd really cared for Ray as much as she thought she did, or was he just a comfort for her, a replacement for the one she really wanted?

She wondered as to what would happen if she somehow did manage to put herself out there, and Tony took it up. Would she end up in his arms like EJ or would he push her back again.

His words still haunted her. "There's nothing wrong with playing the field." Was that what he was doing, what he would be doing for the rest of his life, playing the field.

She could not for a moment consider the chance of only having him once, maybe twice… she was too emotionally invested in him for that, and at times she had thought that he may be as well. She wondered how it could be that he could understand a woman like EJ. Or was it his way of saying that EJ was nothing more than a fling, and that they both only received mutual pleasure from their relationship… and that that was why he had not backed the woman. Why he'd once again stood closer to her. Does that mean he considers his place to be with her? And was that only professionally, or personally as well?

She was unsure what to make of his insistence that Ray loved her, and that that was why he had withheld information from her. In her past, those that had withheld information from her were the ones who had hurt her the most. They were the ones who had used her. She was not willing to take that risk again, but she wanted to trust his judgement, because she trusted him. She was just not sure if he could even trust his own, especially when it involved their personal lives.

Getting up off the couch, she made her way to her bedroom. She would sleep on it, and face the decisions in the morning… hopefully they would make better sense then.

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